Fictional Foods You Really Wouldn’t Want to Eat
While there are lots of different kinds of fictional food that sound pretty tasty, there are a great many more that you would never want to get anywhere near you, let alone put in your mouth. For various reasons, you may want to reconsider eating any of the foods found in the list below should they somehow be offered to you.
You have been warned…
Bachelor Chow (Futurama)
Bachelor Chow, as its name suggests, is all purpose foodstuff generally sold to those living alone and not predisposed to cooking (just add water!). Its can and contents both look very much like that of dog food (especially mushy dog food; one ad declares “Now with flavour!”), and as such it’s probably not too much of a stretch to suggest that it doesn’t seem particularly palatable. However, some might consider this a small price to pay for having everything your body needs available from one convenient source.
Limestone pie and hot melted silver (Return to Oz)
This sounds less unappetising (heck, as a kid I totally wanted to try these) and more deadly. While Dorothy appears to imbibe both of these without suffering any ill effects (magic and all that), we have to consider what would happen if one attempted to ingest these creations in real life.
Limestone pies probably wouldn’t be too much of a problem, though they may be somewhat chalky; limestone is quite commonly found as calcium carbonate in a lot of contemporary food and medication. However, drinking molten silver is any context is probably not the best plan.
Snozzcumbers (The BFG)
Snozzcumbers are essentially giant cucumbers (around nine to twelve feet long, to be exact) with black and white, wart-encrusted skin. If this doesn’t put you off (to be fair there are some pretty ugly cucumbers out there), then the fact that how disgusting they taste is repeatedly referred to might. Indeed, if they taste so bad can you really blame the majority of giants for wanting to eat people instead? Speaking of eating people…
Soylent Green (Soylent Green)
The reason for the inclusion of Soylent Green on this list should be obvious but, just in case that isn’t enough, allow me to elaborate. The obvious bad thing about chowing down on your daily ration of Soylent Green is that it’s (spoilers) people, and cannibalism’s just not cool. That said, your other options – Soylent Red and Soylent Yellow – aren’t particularly appetising either. As their name suggests, the crackers made from a mixture of soy beans and lentils (Soylent Green’s USP is meant to be “high-energy plankton”), and while you might not mind snacking on them occasionally it would be pretty hard going to live off them.
The Lost Boys’ food (Hook)
To be fair, there is a fair amount of “normal” food in amongst the stuff found at the Lost Boys’ banquet. However, the majority of what is seen during the food fight sequence is a load of brightly coloured gunk.
The prospect of eating the latter never seemed particularly attractive even as a child, a combination of perceived texture and highly unnatural hues making me quite lose my appetite. Heck, the Lost Boys themselves don’t even eat it, so perhaps being chucked around is all that it’s there for.
Tomacco (The Simpsons)
The result of combining tomatoes and tobacco (as well as a healthy dose of plutonium), tomaccoes are externally like the former while also having a dry tobacco centre. As you might expect, tomaccoes are repeatedly said to taste horrible. However, they are also powerfully and instantly addictive, which leads to the Simpsons almost being killed by a mob of tomacco-addled animals.
One fan actually cultivated a tomato/tobacco hybrid plant, the fruits of which looked like normal tomatoes but contained small amounts of nicotine.
Chilled monkey brains (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)
The banquet served to Indy and friends at Pankot Palace has a number of rather alarming dishes included in the spread. However, I think it’s fair to say that the dessert course beats beetles and snake surprise hands down when it comes to grossness. Just imagining taking a mouthful of that cold, gooey… blergh; I can’t even carry on talking about this one. Why didn’t they just get Short Round to get them a Chinese takeaway instead?
About the Author
Ella is but a humble copywriter with a master’s degree in English and a passion for films both good and bad. When not indulging in the latter, she tends to occupy her time by gaming, trawling the internet and, of course, writing.
Image by Ricardo Castro